Not Ready to grow....

Resolutions
Revelations
The coming together
The turning back
sand grains of memory
taking the shape of yesterday
when we used to play
innocence carved,moulded into being
remnants of children's long forgotten inner fears
Growing up
Growing tall
priorities shifting
From dolls, to lipstick, to boys
seeing to see
resentment for fathers who were never there
chemical acquaintances
medical cabinets, sacred homes inside a home
Epiphanies,too wild, to stagnant, too contradictory
Realising above all, feeling hurt
Making friends
losing friends
building dreams, on academic staircases
ice cold winters in boarding school
finding solace, in unspoken promises
that rang in testosterone enhanced voices
of boys who tickled our fancies
And pulled down our panties.
ink to sink in
when the world got too much.
an English teacher we fantasised of kissing
an English teacher who would have kissed us back
if only matrimony didn't hold her by the hand
mothers crying in hospital rooms
heads shaking, twice made, para-suicide arm bands
reverends in Their 'holier than thou' armour
breathing down a sinner's neck
too surreal a moment,when
night duty nurses slept on duty
while souls lingered just above the ceiling
a lump in my throat
neon darkness engulfing my breath
pain too loud to scream doctor, doctor
self-inflicted, when death took precedence to life
so much behind
memory full to the brim
too little when I look ahead
life taught me to take precautions
I never did
but lived as though I knew what living entailed
been down the milky way
and hell's corridors
it's been too long
she gave birth to me a long while ago
now as I muse,with a half smoked cigarette and coffee hot in my hand
looking grim, as amagadon steps closer
caught in a moment
juxtaposed, and incoherently sane
It will be, two decades and 12months
from the day I saw life'stepped out into the darkening light
I've learnt to feel
but it escapes me.
I'm just not ready!not ready to grow, beyond this moment that is now.