The "who" that I am

Due to an unforseen incident, that had long been in my head I was once again the centre of attention in my family! And no,it's not as bad as it sounds,only worse! I cannot go into detail right now,but,I will say this,I was in I.C.U for a very long FOUR days! All my doing!! Anyway, as a patient I was advised to see a psychologist! HAH! Who?? Me?? Dry humour I thought, and brushed it all off!! Not long after I got home,I was called into a family meeting to discuss a way forward! It was decided! I'd spent some of my days having mediocre one-sided conversations with a stranger I didn't give a rat's flippin ass about!! "So you've given up on me" I had said to my mother, my voice floating with emotional blackmail! "No you gave up on yourself, we're on your side" she had returned!! I wondered which side that was! I figured my impulisive bahaviour was not doing me any favours, crying my eye balls out when ever I thought no one was looking, whispering hush hush to my self at night, till I fell asleep! I finally gathered the courage to face it all, No mother, No gran, I will not see a psychologist! I've realised my mistakes and will not go down the same route again! I'm sorry! Forgive me! I suppose they believed me because we never bothered to talk about it again! So,yes, I'm going to hell! I made it my prerogative to lie! I did, and did it too damn well too! Because admitting your errors, and saying yes I need help, simply depicts falling into that vast cavity of submission to me! And I just refuse to submit! I refuse the labels that would be given to me, or are givven to me(what ever)! I'm quite content with the "who" that I am! Quite unhappy at being a coward, and a victim of my own instabilities! I need a bit of understanding! Fact is, I don't talk! I can't talk! I know what happens to people who talk!! And I refuse to talk!! And the irony of it all will eventually be my demise! And I don't mind it! This is my journey, and I'll go about it as I see fit( and by all means protect my family from the "who" that I am! It's not for me, its for them)! I am soo selflessly selfish!! :)!! Andi I don't understand the "who" that I am sometimes!!! It would be mighty unfair to expect understanding from others!