The "who" that I am

Due to an unforseen incident, that had long been in my head I was once again the centre of attention in my family! And no,it's not as bad as it sounds,only worse! I cannot go into detail right now,but,I will say this,I was in I.C.U for a very long FOUR days! All my doing!! Anyway, as a patient I was advised to see a psychologist! HAH! Who?? Me?? Dry humour I thought, and brushed it all off!! Not long after I got home,I was called into a family meeting to discuss a way forward! It was decided! I'd spent some of my days having mediocre one-sided conversations with a stranger I didn't give a rat's flippin ass about!! "So you've given up on me" I had said to my mother, my voice floating with emotional blackmail! "No you gave up on yourself, we're on your side" she had returned!! I wondered which side that was! I figured my impulisive bahaviour was not doing me any favours, crying my eye balls out when ever I thought no one was looking, whispering hush hush to my self at night, till I fell asleep! I finally gathered the courage to face it all, No mother, No gran, I will not see a psychologist! I've realised my mistakes and will not go down the same route again! I'm sorry! Forgive me! I suppose they believed me because we never bothered to talk about it again! So,yes, I'm going to hell! I made it my prerogative to lie! I did, and did it too damn well too! Because admitting your errors, and saying yes I need help, simply depicts falling into that vast cavity of submission to me! And I just refuse to submit! I refuse the labels that would be given to me, or are givven to me(what ever)! I'm quite content with the "who" that I am! Quite unhappy at being a coward, and a victim of my own instabilities! I need a bit of understanding! Fact is, I don't talk! I can't talk! I know what happens to people who talk!! And I refuse to talk!! And the irony of it all will eventually be my demise! And I don't mind it! This is my journey, and I'll go about it as I see fit( and by all means protect my family from the "who" that I am! It's not for me, its for them)! I am soo selflessly selfish!! :)!! Andi I don't understand the "who" that I am sometimes!!! It would be mighty unfair to expect understanding from others!

Old Soul...

I met a man once, met him in every aspect of the word. And though it was only virtual, it was the closest thing to reality!! He had rhythem from word go(literally),He said he was a young man with an Old man's Soul! Old Soul, I'd call him Old Soul, he'd call me Soul sister! I don't know why,I don't know how,but I opened up to him, stripped my existance naked for him to read, and he read me well! I felt understood, and known too. We'd have nocturnal telephone conversations, where I'd find my self crying, and Old Soul wiping away my tears with his words,never trying to change me, never telling me I needed help. Long after the conversation, his voice,his laughter would resound in my ears!There was nothing mediocre about what we shared! Every moment was meant to be savoured. I'd often muse at how sentimental I'd become! And I didn't caree,those rare, unique moments when, I smiled, it was genuine,REAL! Damn it, it was REAL!! And though those moments are gone,with just memory to appertise the mind, and bring back those recollections of long ago, I feel good! Nostalgia becomes that warm blanket on rainy days!And it long dawned in me that such moments are not to last a lifetime,only just a certain time, when you watch them fly, relinquish your hold, only then will you know, you willed yourself to live and grow,in the eyes of another!:).....That young man, with an Old Man's Soul!!!

Who are you?? Who am I??

So it was just an ordinary day for me, I was in my bed listen to Anthony Hamilton's "can't let go", when my phone rang. I didn't recognise the number,and the person on the other side of the line,after the lady came to terms that she had simply dialed a wrong number, she asked "Who are you?"...a few seconds passed and I hung up! Who am I? I am a twenty year old black woman? Am I really? Is that really who I am! After pondering on the question for a few minutes I just broke down in laughter, which inturn metamorphosised into an unprecedented amount of tears! I knew I was crying! I knew why! If that woman had not called I wouldnot be soaked in tears, throwing myself an unforseen pity party.After a couple of wet tissues, and a pounding head ache,I thought! I know,I'm a mess!! But that's not who I am it's what I am!! Who are you? Who am I? So I think,the woman on the other end of the line was just a catalyst to a brewing emotional war,that I'd have to fight sooner or later!! So THANK YOU WOMAN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE LINE! Ps: this is who I am: I am a daughter, a sister, and yes I do think I am even a friend! I am Not perfect, my flaws a so deep not even a razor blade can cut through them, I'm little pieces of brokeness, and a bit unstable in the head! I am naïve and gulable, my emotions are to be my death, trust! I have an undiluted passion to die for a living! An epitome of So much that would amount to mere nothing to you! "I am a lover because I am not afraid fo my own desire to be loved" "I think there for I am" "I am indeed THE SHIT" I, Am a Poet! I am a writer!!